


Texts From Last Night

by lwielaura



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Dorks in Love, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunken idiots, F/M, Fluff, Get Together, M/M, Pining, Team as Family, Texts From Last Night, civil war? what's a civil war?, everyone gets along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-10 14:51:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6989899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwielaura/pseuds/lwielaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which unlimited texting is totally a thing and everyone regrets that<br/>or the story of Tony and Steve and the rest as told by texts from last night</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like doing something simple and this came to my mind. More about to come, more parings, more fluff, more alcohol, yey.  
> My tumblr is http://allhailtchalla.tumblr.com/ by the way

Tony: Hey brown bear, you up for getting unreasonably drunk?  
Rhodey: This sounds nothing like a good plan  
Rhodey: I’ll be with you in a few  
-  
Clint: I swear to god, you better ask Tony out soon or I’ll set the building on fire.  
Steve: I have no idea what you are talking about  
Clint: Tony and Rhodey are drunk as fuck and Tony is borderline crying because he tried to flirt with a picture of you and it didn’t respond. He needs your star spangled ass, Cap  
Clint: Did you fucking complain about me at Fury’s?  
Clint: Sexual harassment, seriously?  
Clint: I need to attend a fucking seminar!  
Clint: I hate you, you know that, right?

 

Clint: I just heard someone talking about the amazing blow jobs you give  
Tony: No big news then  
Clint: Cap and I are on a mission. In Italy. Tony, what the fuck?  
Tony: I still don’t get the problem.  
Clint: Whatever. You should see Steve. I think we might have broken him.  
Tony: Have you tried turning it off and on again?  
Clint: He most certainly is turned on.  
Tony: What do you mean?  
Tony: Clint?  
Tony: Explain yourself  
Tony: Clint, I swear to god

 

Clint: I’m going to throw up this is too pathetic.  
Bruce: It’s cute, they are in love, leave them be.  
Clint: I know they are, everyone knows they are and you know what would be terrific? If they fucking knew as well  
Bruce: Give them time  
Clint: I swear, Tony just undressed Steve just with one glance  
Culson: May I remind you that this is a supervised SHIELD chat, specially designed for working purposes?  
Bruce: Sorry, Sir  
Culson: Apology accepted.  
Culson: But seriously, they are giving me a headache, please resolve the sexual tension between them, it’s indeed pathetic.  
Clint: What?  
Culson: For team matters, of course.  
Clint: Of course, Sir.  
Clint: ;)  
Bruce: Speaking of sexual tension…  
Culson: Agent Barton and you will probably having a good time attending a seminar about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior at work together, Doctor Banner.

 

Tony: YOU NEED TO GO TO A SEMINAR????  
Tony: About SEXUAL HARASSMENT???  
Bruce: Tony, it’s half past 4 in the morning please give me a rest  
Tony: But Bruce this is gold  
Tony: I’ve never been prouder  
Tony: Was it Natasha?  
Tony: I bet it was Natasha  
Tony: Bruce and Natasha are sitting on a tree  
-  
Tony: Guys, the Hulk may or may not is loose  
Natasha: Tony, what have you done?  
Tony: Avengers Assemble

 

Clint: Stop pining like that, do you even realize us behind that wall of sexual tension around you?  
Tony: First of all, how dare you. Second: Fuck you, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m fucking handsome and I don’t need to pine over anyone, all right? Tres: that’s three in Spanish, listen and learn. I actually forgot number four, but have you seen Steve today? He looks so good  
Clint: That’s enough, share you alcohol

 

Steve: Dinner?  
Tony: Actually, I’m busy, sorry  
-  
Steve: You got plans?  
Tony: Sorry, business meeting.  
-  
Steve: Hungry?  
Tony: Still got stuff to do in my workshop.  
-  
Steve: You wanna go for a car exhibition? There’s on in the city this weekend.  
Tony: I have a lot of paperwork with my name on it.  
-  
Tony: You think Steve likes my grey suit?  
Tony: Because I’m totally wearing it tonight for team dinner  
Tony: Dress to impress  
Rhodey: Just ask him out god dammit  
Tony: Hahaha  
Tony: This is me laughing  
Tony: Seriously, there is no world in which this is going to happen  
Rhodey: One day I will murder you  
Tony: You wouldn’t be the first one to try  
Rhodey: But most definitely the last one

 

Tony: Look out of the window  
Clint: So?  
Tony: Do you see all the birds on the roof?  
Clint: Yes?  
Tony: Family meeting?  
Clint: I wonder why I even talk to you

 

Natasha: You, me, Clint, three bottles of vodka, now, we need to talk about stuff  
Tony: I knew you were my favorite  
-  
Steve: Do you have any idea why Clint just came into my bed, drunk like I’ve never seen a person before?  
Bruce: I just know that Tony did the same here, he refuses to get up.  
Culson: Once again, your pagers are not for private communication. But may I add that Natasha walked into my SHIELD office and just spread onto my desk, nearly passing out?  
Bruce: Just keep her like that, I’m going to pick her up  
Culson: She’s carrying a knife. I’m mildly scared I have to admit  
Steve: And what am I supposed to do with Clint?  
Bruce: Just leave him there, his hangover will be punishment enough.  
Bruce: I may have an idea  
-  
Tony: Rhodey, if I would tell you that Clint and I woke up in my private jet somewhere in Paris without a pilot or any clothing, would you maybe consider picking us up?  
Rhodey: You’re a genius, right?  
Tony: Right.  
Rhodey: Is there a chance for you to build a time machine so I can punch my past self before I decide to sit down next to you at MIT?  
Tony: I knew I could count on you. Bring some trousers. And burgers. McDonalds, not Burger King. I love you.

 

Tony: I brought you some cheese from Paris  
Steve: Thank you… I guess?  
Tony: You like cheese, right?  
Steve: Yes, I do  
Tony: Great. Because I brought you like 15 kilos  
Steve: 15 Kilos?  
Steve: Why?  
Tony: Just because  
Tony: (message not sent) because I love you  
Tony: (message not sent) go out with me some time?

 

Tony: Pepper, can I ask you something?  
Pepper: You pay me half a fortune a month, shoot  
Tony: We didn’t break up because of the giant rabbit, right?  
Pepper: No, Tony, we didn’t break up because of the giant rabbit.  
Tony: Okay thank you  
Pepper: What are you up to?  
Pepper: Tony?  
Pepper: If you buy Steve a freaking giant rabbit I swear  
-  
Steve: Do you have any knowledge about the giant rabbit in the communal area?  
Pepper: Just leave it there. I will deal with it. Just give the pain killers a few minutes to work and I’ll be over

 

Tony: Are you drunk and try to cook? Because the fire alarm just went off.  
Clint: Bitch, you don’t know my story, back off.  
Tony: Do I need to alert the fire department?  
Clint: You can alert Phil, there’s a fire down my pants  
Clint: Why doesn’t he love me  
Tony: This chat is probably reason number 256  
Clint: Seriously, how couldn’t he like me?  
Clint: I’m handsome and shit  
Clint: Have you seen my ass?  
Clint: (Attachment: 1 picture)  
Tony: You officially revoked your phone privileges  
Culson: You all officially revoked your phone privileges. Agent Barton, in my office, now.  
-  
Tony: Got in trouble?  
Clint: Remember when I told you I didn’t get laid since Bush was president?  
Clint: Welcome to the Obama regime, bitches.

 

Steve: Are Bruce and Nat finally together?  
Tony: I guess. Can you imagine how long it took for them to figure that out?  
Steve: Yeah…  
Tony: It was absolutely ridiculous. Everyone knew he was head over heels for her. I can’t believe he didn’t ask her out sooner  
Steve: Yes, ridiculous…  
Tony: It was almost embarrassing.  
Tony: Why are you looking at me like that?  
Tony: Cap?

 

Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Rhodey: For the sake of our friendship, I’m not going to answer that  
-  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Natasha: I can’t believe you. Really. I’m seconds away from ripping your throat, god  
-  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Bruce: I’m trying to calm Nat, thank you very much. Also, aren’t you supposed to be a genius?  
-  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Clint: No time, I’m naked  
Clint: You should be naked too  
Clint: It’s amazing  
-  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Pepper: Why don’t you ask him yourself?  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Pepper: I give up  
-  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Culson: How did you get my private number, Stark?  
-  
Tony: Do you know why cap doesn’t talk to me?  
Steve: Really?  
Tony: Oops, wrong number  
Steve: I can’t believe you  
Tony: Funny, you’re not the first one to say that today  
Steve: Oh, I wonder why  
Steve: Come over and we talk, ok?  
Tony: Can I get one to ten whiskeys before that?  
Steve: No  
Tony: God dammit

 

Clint: I definitely heard sex noises  
Clint: From Tony’s room  
Clint: Yep, he just entered the kitchen, looking all rumpled  
Clint: Cap, this is serious  
Clint: This is not a drill, I repeat, not a drill  
Clint: He took two coffees and left  
Clint: I can totally kick his ass if you want to  
Clint: Wakey wakey this is SERIOUS  
Steve: Hi, this is Tony. Steve’s still asleep. Shall I tell him you texted?  
Clint: Nevermind  
-  
Clint: Good job, bro  
Tony: Shut up


	2. Chapter Two

Bucky: (added Tony Stark to the group „Avengers“)  
Bucky: (added Clint Barton to the group „Avengers“)  
Bucky: (added Bruce Banner to the group „Avengers“)  
Bucky: (added Thor ? to the group „Avengers“)  
Bucky: (added Natasha Romanoff to the group „Avengers“)  
Bucky: (added Hot Bird to the group „Avengers“)  
Bucky: (added Steve Rogers to the group „Avengers“)  
Bruce: Oh no  
Tony: Hell yes  
Natasha: Wait, who’s ‘hot bird’?  
Clint: You called?  
Sam: What the fuck?  
Bucky: Oh no  
Bucky: (has left the group “Avengers”)  
Steve: This is an awful idea  
Tony: (added Bucky Barnes to the group “Avengers”)  
Tony: EXPLAIN

 

Steve: Tony, stop ignoring me  
Steve: You’ve been down there for days  
Steve: Come up, I might have a surprise for you  
Steve: Hint: it’s in your bed. And it’s me  
Bucky: Dude  
Clint: Avenge my eyes  
Bruce: This is a group chat, Steve  
Natasha: Glad to see our team leader is using this group to present himself as a moral compass  
Tony: I’m up in a few, babe  
Sam: I lost my appetite, probably forever  
Tony: Be happy for Mom and Dad, all the other parents are bitter and getting a divorce  
Steve: Good golly 

 

Sam: Did you eat my leftovers?  
Steve: Those were yours? I’m so sorry  
Sam: Good golly  
Steve: This is not getting away soon, isn’t it? 

 

Bucky: You remember that one time I introduced you to a dame?  
Steve: You mean Meg?  
Bucky: Yes, you totally owe me a favor.  
Steve: You introduced me to her, then you decided you wanted her for yourself and left me with her very angry brother  
Bucky: Anyway, I need you to hook me up with one of your friends, come on, man.  
Steve: So… Natasha is with Bruce, you know that, right?  
Bucky: No, the bird. Sam, Steve. Have you seen him???  
Steve: Yeah, right, the hot bird.

 

Clint: Is this McDonalds?  
Bruce: Clint, are you drunk?  
Clint: Tony told me this is the number of McDonalds, how do you know my name?  
Bruce: Clint, this is Bruce  
Clint: A Beer please  
Bruce: Are you trying to order a Beer at McDonald’s?  
Clint: My fault  
-  
Tony: Hello McDonalds I’d like to order a McBeer, then, sorry  
Bruce: Stay away from hot things, I’ll be over to babysit in a few seconds. I’ll bring Phil and Steve  
Tony: Thanks friendly McDonalds employee 

 

Steve: Why did you end the call?  
Tony: I found a burger in my pocket  
Steve: So you hung up on me?  
Tony: It’s really rude to talk with food in your mouth  
Steve: I can’t believe I fell for you  
Tony: Well, have you seen me naked? That’s why

 

Bucky: Hey  
Sam: Jesus, no  
Bucky: Heaven called, they are missing an angel  
Sam: Oh god  
Bucky: It’s you  
Bucky: Because of the wings  
Bucky: I am really nice ok?  
Sam: Bye 

 

Bruce: Did you just told Tony “Asshole” instead of “Thank you” in ASL?  
Natasha: You can’t proof that.  
-  
Tony: I hate you  
Natasha: Clint has a mean left swing, doesn’t he? 

 

Thor: I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE MY PRENECE IN THE AVENGERS TOWER  
Bruce: When will you be joining us?  
Tony: Buddy, I’m a fan of a big entrance like every other guy but please tone down the thunder and lighting, this is a really nice tower  
Natasha: So did you just come?  
THOR: INDEED  
Clint: yes, I did  
Clint: ;)  
Natasha: (has removed Clint Barton from the group “Avengers”)

 

Steve: Did Tony behave last night? I know how he can get when he’s drunk. Especially with Bruce. Once they start with their super scientific stuff it’s hard to stop them.  
Sam: They just sat on the couch, stared at their fingerprints for at least one hour and sometimes whispered things like “wow” and “how?”  
Steve: Well, I’m still sorry for him  
Sam: Good golly  
Steve: Actually, I am not

 

Bucky: Hey  
Sam: Hell no  
Bucky: Did it hurt?  
Sam: I’m not going to answer that  
Bucky: I mean when you fell from heaven  
Bucky: Bye  
-  
Bucky: Steve, why won’t Sam like me  
Bucky: I have a fantastic ass  
Bucky: I AM fantastic  
Steve: This is Tony, Steve is taking a shower but I agree with the ass thing  
Bucky: Good golly  
Steve: Go get him tiger  
Bucky: Damn straight  
Steve: Straight wasn’t the plan

 

Steve: Where are you?  
Tony: I’m in your room, waiting for you?  
Steve: Well I’m in yours, waiting for you  
Tony: This is just great 

 

Tony: Can you tell your friends to shut up? I’m trying to sleep here  
Sam: First of all, it’s 4 in the afternoon, second of all, which friends?  
Sam: Oh haha  
Sam: I get it  
Sam: The birds outside of the window  
Sam: Haha  
Sam: Very creative  
Tony: Actually I was talking about Steve and Bucky plotting plans next door on how to get you laid  
Sam: Oh. Seriously? 

 

Bucky: Hey  
Sam: I swear to god  
Bucky: Are your wings tired?  
Sam: They’re mechanic  
Bucky: Because you’ve been flying to my mind the whole day  
Sam: You’re lucky you’re that good looking  
Bucky: Wait  
Bucky: Did you just call me ‘good looking?’  
-  
Bucky: STEVE SAM SAID I WAS GOOD LOOKING  
Steve: It’s five in the morning  
Bucky: HE THINKS I’M PRETTY  
Steve: Ok

 

Steve: When I said ‘group training’ that included your lazy butt  
Tony: What’s the point in being in a relationship if it’s not staying on the couch and getting fat?  
Steve: Well, we need you, we’re doing one vs one  
Steve: I thought we could fight but go on, I’ll assign you to Natasha  
Tony: This is unfair. Your face and ass are very distracting  
Steve: Aw you say the nicest things  
Steve: Now get down  
Tony: Oh I definitely will

 

Tony: Rhodey, I need to move out and never come back  
Rhodey: Does that have a reason or have you just been happen to be in the mood?  
Tony: Rhodey, I am happy. I can’t be happy. I’ve never been happy. What am I supposed to do?  
Rhodey: You’re right. You’re Tony. Happy’s your head of security  
Tony: Did you just made a Dad-joke?  
Rhodey: Pepper told me to ignore you  
Tony: Don’t listen to her  
Tony: Why are you with Pepper anyway?  
Tony: Wait  
Tony: Rhodey?  
-  
Tony: What is going on between you and Rhodey?  
Pepper: I’ll tell you when you finish your god damn paperwork  
Tony: Ok do whatever you want, bye

 

Bucky: Tony, something is wrong with my arm  
Tony: Shoot  
Bucky: Here, I found a possible explanation just tell me what it is wait  
Bucky: (sent a link)  
Tony: Did you  
Tony: You’ve been frozen for years  
Tony: And you fucking rick rolled me?  
Bucky: Steve told me to do it  
-  
Tony: What the fuck?  
Steve: Yes, my love?  
Tony: Did you tell your best friend to rick roll me?  
Steve: I might have  
Tony: Why  
Steve: Cause I never gonna give you up  
Steve: Never gonna let you down  
Tony: Please stop talking  
Steve: Make me

 

Bucky: Hey  
Sam: Fine, I’ll go out with you  
Sam: Just stop  
Bucky: Great. Be ready in half an hour  
Sam: Half an hour? Are you out of your mind?  
Bucky: Sure I am  
Bucky: Because it’s full of you  
Sam: Ok fine, I’ll be with you in five minutes if you promise to stop  
-  
Bucky: Steve, you owe me one ‘without asking any questions’  
Steve: Do I want to know?  
Bucky: So Sam and I just had the most wonderful date  
Steve: If this is about bees and flowers please ask Tony  
Steve: Actually don’t, ask Bruce  
Bucky: No it’s more like me hanging on a giant magnet with my arm  
Steve: Ok since I don’t want to know just let me ask, where is Sam?  
Bucky: Sam may or may not is trapped with me after an attempt to rescue me with his wings  
Steve: I’ll be with you in a few  
Bucky: Don’t bring Iron Man  
Steve: You know what, I figured that much out myself 

 

Clint: So… Bucky and Sam…  
Sam: What up  
Clint: Are you doing it now or what?  
Natasha: God, Clint  
Tony: This is important  
Bucky: No  
Bucky: Yes  
Sam: Dammit Buck  
Tony: Who won?  
Bruce: You all owe me twenty dollars  
Natasha: Really Bruce?  
Bruce: It’s still easy money  
Steve: I’ll give you the money tomorrow  
Sam: I hate you


	3. Chapter Three

Tony: can you maybe tell me what's going on between you and pepper?  
Rhodey: no  
Tony: you are no longer my best friend, i'm taking away all your privileges  
Rhodey: you called me last night drunk to ask me what my favorite math equation is, what privileges are you referring to exactly?  
Tony: i am really hurt right now  
Rhodey: you only have two emotions and that are sarcastic and drunk, stop pretending  
-  
Tony: rhodey is being mean to me  
Pepper: You are a grown man and I am not getting paid enough.  
Tony: 10k if you tell me what the fuck is going on between you two  
Pepper: No.

 

Bucky: can u pikkc me up im drunc  
Bucky: nvm im alredy home  
Steve: I figured out as much since I picked you up and dropped you there, Bucky  
-  
Bucky: can u pikkc me up im drunck  
Steve: I already picked you up?  
Bucky: ok but somhowe I ended up in brooklynn again????  
Steve: I can't believe that Sam is actually dating you  
Bucky: hes wit me an it was totlly his fault

 

Clint: I'm hungry and someone of you little shits ate my leftover Chinese  
Natasha: it's 0100am and we ate like two hours ago  
Tony: how do you even fit in your costume, you eat more than the Hulk and Thor together  
Clint: anyway  
Clint: where is my food?  
Bucky: I took it but don't worry, I put some bird-feeders in the garden if you're hungry  
Tony: Barnes, you scream like a girl. Also, you better didn't broke anything up there  
Bucky: There's an arrow in my night stand  
Clint: you deserve it

 

Steve: I can't pick up right now, something wrong?  
Tony: I miss you  
Steve: I miss you, too. But I can't talk right now. I'm being shot at.  
Tony: But Steve  
Tony: I'm naked  
Tony: (attached photo)  
Steve: I'm going to finish this as quick as possible, be with you in a few  
Tony: :)

 

Bucky: You wanna hang out?  
Steve: How about a double date?  
Bucky: You became so huge and muscular I often forget that my best friend is a twelve year old girl  
Steve: Oh come on, Tony is totally into the idea  
-  
Bucky: Seriously, you want a double date?  
Tony: what the fuck?  
Bucky: Steve said something like that  
Tony: don't believe him, ever, he looks super cute but he is a little shit  
-  
Bucky: liar  
Steve: fine, then we'll go out with Bruce and Nat  
-  
Steve: Tony?  
Tony: no

 

Tony: you need to come out on the roof asap  
Bucky: Tony no  
Bruce: what's going on?  
Tony: did I fucking stutter?  
Steve: Tony, it's not that funny  
Tony: are you kidding me?  
Tony: (attached photo)  
Bruce: Is that Clint with his tongue stuck on Bucky's arm?  
Steve: never let the kids alone into the snow  
Natasha: I'll be outside in two minutes, just let me grab my camera  
Clint: I'm in pain and I hate you all

 

Clint: Talk dirty to me ;)  
Phil: I'm not wearing anything  
Clint: Ohhh  
Phil: Because I had to put everything into the washing machine  
Phil: myself  
Phil: because you didn't  
Phil: although I asked you a thousand times to do it  
Clint: So, does that mean I can come over? ;)  
Phil: …  
Phil: Yes

 

Tony: Pepper?  
Pepper: For the last time, I'm not telling you and if you ask one more time, I'm going to take drastic measures.  
Tony: now you are being mean  
Tony: you know I can install cameras everywhere?  
-  
Steve: Pepper gave me some old videos of yours  
Steve: Gosh, you were so cute when you were a child  
Steve: And all that Captain America merch – really?  
-  
Tony: YOU'RE FIRED!

 

Tony: hey handsome, my doctor says i'm lacking on vitamin u  
Steve: jesus  
-  
Bruce: Tony's been awake for five days straight, I'm not letting him touch sharp things but I think he's gone a bit weird and mad, so don't listen to him  
Steve: I figured as much, he gave me some receipts from “his doctor” for my “stunning hotness” with free refills  
Bruce: I absolutely didn't ordered them  
Steve: You know what, I thought so

 

Clint: Is that Leonardo DiCaprio crushing on our couch??????  
Tony: Yeah, old friend of mine  
Natasha: What?????  
Tony: if he's gone missing, I know who's to blame, so don't you even try it, Nat  
Natasha: You couldn't proof anything!  
Clint: stop, you're going to hurt Bruce's feelings  
Bruce: honestly, even I would dig that  
Tony: I'm going to screenshot that and frame it to hang it over my chimney  
Sam: you don't have a chimney  
Tony: I'm going to fucking build one

 

Bucky: I just walked into Rhodey and Pepper making out heavily. Didn't know they had a thing  
Steve: They are together for five month now, but don't tell Tony  
Bucky: Why?  
Steve: They want to annoy him and if I keep my mouth shut, Pepper tells me all these hilarious black-mail material about Tony  
Bucky: I can't believe that there are people out there who still think that you are a moralistic and pure human being, Rogers  
Steve: I never said I were

 

Bucky: Did you put the fridge magnets on my arm, dickhead?  
Sam: Who else would stick “I love you” on them?  
Bucky: idk maybe Steve  
Sam: you two have a really weird relationship  
Bucky: Anyway, I love you, too  
-  
Clint: Thanks for the idea with the magnets, bro  
Sam: what?  
-  
Bucky: (atteched photo)  
Sam: oh  
-  
Sam: as his boyfriend, I should defend Buck and tell him to not stick insults on his arms when he's asleep  
Sam: but as a person who knows he's a little shit...  
Clint: it's really funny  
Sam: yeah, it is


End file.
